THE MAGAs VOTE
Photo credit: The Weekly Opine
A surprising twist
Last Saturday, while watching college football, my doorbell rang. Mildly irritated, I went to see who it was. Looking outside, I muttered to myself, “Dang, it’s Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy and their daughter Magnet.”
MAGS: (Shouting before I could open the door) Open up, it’s Mags!
TWO: (Opens the door) Yes, I see. What’s up?
MAGS: What’s up? What the hell do you think is up? There’s an election going on.
MAGGY: I bet Opine man voted a dozen times already.
MAGS: Yeah, he got enough of them “I voted” stickers to make a puzzle.
MAGGY: He’ll probably try to make money selling them.
TWO: I vote on Election Day, which is when I get my “I voted” sticker.
MAGGY: Moses Trump don’t want you people to vote.
TWO: Moses Trump? And what “people” are you talking about?
MAGS: Trump is a prophet, like Moses. Trump’s gonna lead us out of the “woke” mess Biden and Obama made. It says so in the Trump Bible, which is based on that process.
TWO: What process?
MAGGY: Duh, Process 2025.
TWO: Project 2025. I should have known.
MAGS: Yeah, you shoulda known, but because you’re a liberal commie socialist you don’t know.
TWO: Have you voted?
MAGGY: What we do is none of your business.
MAGNET: We voted by mail.
MAGS: Magnet!
MAGNET: Gas is too expensive to drive to the polling place.
TWO: (Singing) The MAGAs voted by mail, the MAGAs voted by mail…
MAGGY: Be QUIET!
MAGNET: Voting by mail was very easy.
MAGS: Mag-NET!
TWO: That’s great, Magnet. Easy, peasy.
MAGS: Don’t dare call my daughter sleazy.
TWO: Oh, brother.
MAGGY: Magnet does not have a brother. She has two gerbils. You’re supposed to buy gerbils in pairs so they can keep each other company.
MAGS: We can’t wait for Putin to send us each $5,000 after Republicans win in a landslide.
TWO: Trump made that offer, not Putin. But don’t hold your breath.
MAGGY: It’s gonna be a red wave like nobody’s seen since Custer lost at Little Bighorn.
TWO: Uh, careful now. What would you do with the money?
MAGGY: That’s none of your business.
MAGS: We’ll make a down payment on a gently used Cybertruck.
MAGNET: I want us to take a trip to Joel Osteen’s megachurch.
MAGGY: We’ve never been to Lubbock.
TWO: Osteen’s church is in Houston, but Oh-kay…
MAGS: OK? We do not seek, nor do we need your approval to attend church. Or to vote Trump.
MAGGY: That’s right, so shush Opine man! If it wasn’t for Trump, instead of $4.79 a gallon, gas would cost $7.99.
TWO: If it wasn’t for Trump, gas would cost $3.00 instead of $4.79.
MAGNET: Joel Osteen is so cute!
MAGS: Magnet!
MAGNET: I don’t think I’ll get $5,000.
TWO: Why not?
MAGNET: I voted straight ticket blue.
MAGS & MAGGY: Magnet!!!
TWO: Good job, Magnet.
MAGS: Don’t lead my daughter astray.
TWO: Water finds its own level. Magnet figured it out on her own.
MAGS: C’mon, we’re outta here. Go back to your football game, Opine man.
MAGGY: I thought the only thing you guys watched was basketball and Soul Train reruns.
TWO: Out! Get to steppin’!
© 2026 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.